LINK to the essay.
<My Comment>
3 things I liked.
1. Nice flow in the introduction. Clear thesis statement at the end of the paragraph makes it more straightforward for readers.
2. Good use of transitional words. Easy to follow your reasons through the essay.
3. Well explained how dol-jan-chi is not just a baby's first birthday party, but an unique event with a special meaning. Nice topic.
3 points to work on
1. Minor grammar problems. I think you can correct errors by proofreading and fixing 'red and green' lines on Microsoft Word.
2. Too much passive voice. Using active voice can strengthen your point and make details clearer.
3. Your reasons are not really 'arguing'. It describes what dol-jan-chi and what it symbolizes, rather than stating why foreigners should introduce this custom.
Overall, a very good essay! This has been a learning opportunity for me =)
<My Comment>
3 things I liked.
1. Nice flow in the introduction. Clear thesis statement at the end of the paragraph makes it more straightforward for readers.
2. Good use of transitional words. Easy to follow your reasons through the essay.
3. Well explained how dol-jan-chi is not just a baby's first birthday party, but an unique event with a special meaning. Nice topic.
3 points to work on
1. Minor grammar problems. I think you can correct errors by proofreading and fixing 'red and green' lines on Microsoft Word.
2. Too much passive voice. Using active voice can strengthen your point and make details clearer.
3. Your reasons are not really 'arguing'. It describes what dol-jan-chi and what it symbolizes, rather than stating why foreigners should introduce this custom.
Overall, a very good essay! This has been a learning opportunity for me =)
