It was two years ago and I was a second
grader in middle school. It was the first day of the semester. I stepped into
the new classroom, but I could recognize only few in the classroom because classmates
are all mixed up into different classes every year.
As you know, everyone is feeling kind of
nervous and awkward on the first day. So boys gathered in one side of the
classroom, and girls were standing on the opposite side. I also stood among the
group of boys, which was the comfort zone for me. And I was looking around in a
sneaky way, to find out if there are more people I know. Then I caught the eyes
of one girl. You see, I wasn’t one of those popular kids in middle school. I didn’t
talk to girls unless I really had to. During the break, I prepared textbooks
for the next class, while other kids played and talked in groups. A typical
image of an Asian kid.
But there was something special about her. Yes,
she had big eyes, and was good at dancing, that she performed in school
festival. She was so popular in school that even seniors knew her name. But the
most beautiful thing about her was that she did little hair flips from time to
time, with her long, slightly curly hair. Whenever she did that, my heart
skipped a beat. It gave me a feeling that I’ve never felt before.
On the next day, I found out that I wanted
to know more about her. And somehow, I still don’t know why, I wanted her to
know about me. So I looked for ways to have a conversation with her but my ambitious
goal came to frustration every day. She was always surrounded by her friends
and unfortunately, I didn’t have enough courage to talk to her first. The idea
of doing that in front of other friends was just embarrassing. So one time, I
stayed late intentionally to talk to her after cleaning the classroom. Finally,
it was just me and her in the room. I took a deep breath, and turned around to
face her. But just when I opened my mouth, I heard another person’s voice. There
was a friend waiting for her to go home together.
Sometimes, it was not all female friends
surrounding her. And it was worse than seeing her with other girls because it
gave me a thought of her having a boyfriend. Every time I saw that, I felt
jealous and angry, but I didn’t dare to make a move because I was too shy.
Instead, I posted lyrics of a song on Facebook. The song was ‘Maybe’, by
Secondhand Serenade. One part of the lyrics went like “I was wasting all of my
life just thinking of you. So just come back we'll make it better” It was
definitely the most embarrassingly emotional Facebook status I’ve ever updated.
I deleted it now, so you won’t find it on my profile anymore. But it was
intended as a secret message of my feelings towards her.
Surprisingly, during the break on the next
day, she played that song with her electronic dictionary. At first, I was like,
‘hey, I know that song!’, and soon, I realized that I posted its lyrics and
thought ‘hey, maybe she likes me too.’ Not considering the possibility that she
liked the song.
Anyway, time passed, and it became June. Until
then, I exchanged simple hellos and goodbyes with her, but not a real
conversation. Then one day, the homeroom teacher told the class that she is
immigrating to Canada. Tomorrow. ‘She’ meaning the girl here. I was shocked,
and blamed myself for not being a man, but being a dork. I thought tomorrow will
be my last opportunity to express my feelings before she leave. So I promised
myself to talk to her. I didn’t want to miss the last chance. But just in case
I get too nervous and wet my pants, I wrote a letter about what I liked about
her, how I felt when I first saw her, and so on.
Finally, the day came, the day that will remain
a precious memory of my teens forever. After all the classes were dismissed, she
stood in front of every classmate and bade farewell. We all clapped and wished
a safe trip. Some girls cried a bit, but I was anxious to find the right timing
to take a shot. So I quickly left the classroom and waited for her in a
hallway. When she came out of the door, I grabbed her hands from behind, calling
her name. I said, “I love you.”
There was a moment of complete awkwardness
and silence as if she didn’t understand what I just said. We just stood there
for about five seconds without moving or saying anything. Soon, I realized that
I was still holding her hands, and that my friends were gathering around us,
some chuckling. Feeling embarrassed, I quickly pulled out the letter from my
pocket, put it in her hand, and ran as fast as I could for home. Holding a girl’s
hands in the middle of the crowd. WOW. What was I thinking?
After a few days, I got Facebook messages
from her, and she said that she that we had better stay as friends. She also said she
will probably go to a college in Canada or the US, and is not thinking of
coming back to Korea anytime soon. So I just replied, “Okay, well, take care.”
That’s how I felt something called
love for the first time, and how it ended. A few months ago, she changed her Facebook relationship
to “In relationship with ~”. A few days ago, she said she had been going out
with him for 200 days. But I’m happy for her as long as she’s happy. I have my
own life too and will find my significant other sometime.
I think it was a learning experience to me,
and gained an important lesson. If you love someone, tell him/her that you do,
before it’s too late. Regardless of what he/she says, it’s important that you
expressed how you feel. If I didn’t say those three words: I love you, I would
still be regretting. So again, make a move. It’s worth a try.
lol
답글삭제oh, you were fabian in middle school!
I'm so glad we have so much in common!
Nice post.:) Speech? I hope you are happy to be at KMLA where dating is forbidden. Now, you don't have to worry about any of this, because it is impossible.
답글삭제I wrote it for my speech but I changed my topic because Fake Fabian's speech was unbeatable.
삭제This is so cute :) It would have been nice if you made a speech on this, even though I did enjoy the speech you gave last class!
답글삭제This was a really interesting post because it reminded me that you were also a Fabian, just like rest of our class. Ha
답글삭제Whats up with the Fabian stuff? Very odd. I have to meet this guy.
답글삭제