Topic: Writing a response after watching a short video
Mankind Is No Island isan award-winning short film(TropfestNY 2008 Winter) that lasts only three and a half minutes. Despite its short length, it effectively conveys a message by simply providing words on signboards in a delicate form of a visual poem. But the video lacks new ideas because it is based on a moral lesson which most people are already aware of; that we should help those in hardships such as, in this case, the homeless. Nevertheless, the film raises an interesting point that society often bears the responsibility for the homeless. People become homeless for various reasons. Some must quit an ordinary life because of their careless decisions and reckless behaviors such as gambling addiction. On the other hand, society often comes into play and drives people to unemployment, even though it is supposed to take care of its members. This is shown in the film as ‘Our city says we’ll look after you. Your very own family turns blind.’ A social crisis usually occurs unexpectedly and causes severe damage which requires a long time to recover. For example, companies laid off workers and self-employed businesses suffered when a financial crisis hit Korea in 1997. Korea's economy started to shrink quarterly at an average of -6.65%, and the unemployment rate reached 6.5% in May 1998, compared to 2.5% before the crisis. A similar situation occurred when Lehman Brothers collapsed in 2008, and many people started street lives after losing jobs or money for something they are not in control of.
The problem is that many choose to rely on prejudices rather than ask a question why homeless people have no other alternatives but to sleep on the cold pavement. Common stereotypes include that they are lazy, uneducated, or mentally ill. People keep avoiding and discriminating against those in desperate need of help using the stereotypes as an excuse. However, drug addicts or criminals are only minorities among the homeless, and some of them are in fact highly educated. Most importantly, some became homeless not because of personal choices, but due to a sudden change in society which they cannot deal with on their own. In many cases, they are unfortunate outcasts of society who constantly seek a second chance, which means that anyone can be homeless at any time. When people bear in mind that we live together in society and that the same situation can happen anytime, there would be less people begging for help on streets. Considering the purpose of the video, the film is well-organized in order to maximize the emotional effect and trigger people’s actions. The words are carefully arranged to the piano tune so that viewers can share the feelings and hardships of the homeless. The film utilized close-ups and repeated images to make a lasting impression as well. By showing the director of the film having a conversation with an old man on the street, it also tells that the homeless are not far away, but are actually close in our lives. All in all, Mankind Is No Island successfully delivers a simple but necessary message of helping the homeless in its creative style. It points out that it is a matter of basic human interaction which involves empathy and sincere attention.
My family is moving to Suwon next month. Up until now, we had to move our house almost every three or four years because of my father's work. I lived in several cities including Cheonan, Gumi, and Goyang. But in December, we are finally settling down in the city that I was born in. I do not remember much about the city since my family left Suwon before I turned two, but I am pretty fond of the place because it has many sports complexes, cultural heritages such as Hwaseong Fortress, and lively local markets. Plus, it is a special place for my parents because they got married here. One of my aunt is living there, and every time we visited her place, my parents reminisce there precious memories while passing by the house they used to live in. So it is a quite meaningful decision to move to Suwon since we are buying a house where my family was formed. I spent weekend at home two weeks ago and went through piles of books and stuff to choose what to take and what to throw away before moving. I had to organize my stuff then since I will not be coming home until the end of the semester. While looking over stack of notebooks, handouts, textbooks, and so on, I found something strange. I kept almost everything I did in school activities and assignments, but most of them did not have MYvoice. For example, vacation homework I did in elementary school, such as a report written after a visit to a museum, listed things I saw there rather than my feelings or realizations. A bunch of handouts I received in middle school were a pool of information which is not really different from what Internet or a library contains. I discovered that things I thought were important were actually had little or no value. Instead, what is truly valuable was stating my own opinion using the knowledge I possess in my head. Unless the knowledge is adequately used to support my idea, it is nothing but a useless part that takes up my brain. When I came to this realization, my diaries that I kept from my childhood seemed more important than numerous textbooks and handouts. While books included important information a typical middle school student should be aware of, they hardly had space for my ideas. Also, they are not the only source I can access to the data. However, my voice comes out of only my head and diaries are stories of my thoughts, my memories, and my life. Paintings I drew when I was an elementary school student are another example. Even though I am a terrible painter, I suddenly felt that I had to carry them instead of textbooks because I CREATED them. There are no paintings like I created in the world, and this point makes my works so meaningful and valuable. It took me over two hours to complete the organizing process, but I did not think it was just a waste of time. I could learned a few important lessons; that I should not lose my own voice, that I should understand knowledge in order to voice my opinion in a more logical and clearer way, and that my voice is what makes me special.
People often feel reluctant to understand different culture. The reason they refuse to accept it is, in many cases, because of a desire for the sense of belonging or a false belief that it establishes superiority or inferiority. However, there is no logical connection between having different culture and the value of it. It is a matter of hidden meanings and messages lying beneath the culture which need to be respected as part of unique identity. The story of Nacirema people’s social practices teaches an important lesson on this subject.
The author describes the social customs of Nacirema as exotic, saying that they show how extreme human behavior can go. However, if observed carefully, one can find out that similarities exist between the practices mentioned in the text and ones that are present in modern society. For example, the medicine men have a 'latipso' where sick patients undergo unpleasant ‘ceremonies’ to recover from illness. It is a place where ‘supplicants’ lie in hard beds, going through discomfort and torture, while hoping to get healthy again. Likewise, people now pay a visit to a hospital whenever they feel that they need treatment or operations. The process is often hard to endure and involves pain, but surgeries are performed using advanced technology from intense study of human body and search for cure. The custom of brushing teeth is another common aspect between the tribe Nacirema and modern society. People in present day consider brushing teeth as something natural and mainly perform it in order to maintain their health. A toothbrush and toothpaste are not magical substances, but manufactured goods that are produced in factories. They know where the products are coming from.
Latipso, a place 'where people
go to die' for children
From these types of comparisons, there does not seem to be significant difference between the customs of Nacirema and modern society. It seems the only difference is the point of view towards the practices. The way the author explains the culture of Nacirema is quite primitive as if looking through the eyes of an early human. At the same time, the style of writing is satirical, which delicately achieves the function of criticism. For instance, the author says that Nacirema people have obsession with keeping their mouths clean that they visit holy-mouth-men year after year, despite the fact that teeth continue to decay. The author’s intention can be identified when readers discover that the tribe name Nacirema is actually ‘American’ written backwards. Every element appearing in the story based on American people’s obsession with healthcare in 1950s. For example, Latipso is ‘ospital’ when written backwards, which represents a hospital as the word clearly suggests. This clever way of creating new words asks a question whether we are putting ourselves in other’s shoes regarding culture. It is impossible to judge another country’s culture since each country developed unique social customs over a long time. They all contain important meanings in their own, and thus should be respected. For instance, Korea is often blamed for eating dog meat since dogs are popular pets. But eating dogs does not make Korean people uncivilized and cruel because it is part of Korean culture. A country’s beliefs, values, and practices of a culture should be understood from the perspective of the culture itself. This is what cultural relativism tells us, and this is what eradicating prejudices is all about. Having an open mind is therefore important, as it keeps us away from having a biased perspective and encourages international cooperation.
Upon evaluation we looked at the organization, content, and mechanics of our works. Organization is related to the how well a certain essay arranges its thoughts and ideas in a coherent, logical order, including structure (thesis statement, paragraph division & allocation etc) and the use of transitions. Mechanics is related to how well the writer can utilize English tools, such as vocabulary & grammar, to accurately express what he/she has to say, and involves concision, diction, and grammar. Content is the set of thoughts, ideas, or arguments that are actually expressed within an essay. An essay with good content is that in which ideas are specific, creative, and engaging upon the average reader. Owing to the fact that the overwhelming majority of our group’s essays were clichés about technology and environment, the originality and novelty of content was especially valued and prioritized. A list below shows some of the important things we have taken into consideration:
1. Organization
- Structure
- Transition
2. Content
- Specificity
- Creativity
3. Mechanics
- Concision
- Diction
- Grammar
iii) Why we chose this essay (merits)
HyunJin’s essay is strong and distinguished in the sense that the fundamental ideas and details expressed within the essay are creative and specific; by identifying some of the problems inherent with the status quo of the amusement park operation system, and stating three specific ways in which future innovations and technology can complement these shortcomings, she achieves both depth and originality of content.
Imagine you could be the one doing this!
Another strong point of her essay is in her usage of mechanics. The sentences in this essay enable readers to comfortably grasp her thoughts and ideas, being simple and concise, and she uses a variety of phrases and vocabularies all topped off well with good grammar. The topic of her essay, and the manner in which she expresses her ideas, gives this TOEFL essay color that other TOEFL essays don’t have.
iv) Shortcomings & Revisions
● Even though this essay conforms to the typical TOEFL structure and is organized with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, there are several minor flaws; for instance, in the place of an introductory thesis statement is instead a question. Although this new form of experimenting can create a casual, intimate atmosphere between the reader and the writer, we deemed it would be best for the cause if we replaced it with a proper thesis statement. That way, we could establish a clear relationship between the introduction and the body paragraphs through the usage of transitions.
à. “These efforts will lead to more innovations and developments that can enhance the entertainment experience in theme parks, such as the concentration of amusement functions, improvements to the ticket system, and technological advancements in roller-coasters.” (Introductory thesis statement that was augmented)
● Another minor error with structure and mechanics was the uneven distribution of word count between each body paragraph; even though this is something that does happen, and can be an effective means of writing from time to time, we deemed that in a TOEFL essay it would be best to reduce this discrepancy. By paraphrasing, omitting, and adding phrases, we sought to make the writing more powerful, coherent, and persuasive, while simultaneously reducing the word gap between the body paragraphs.
● The original version of this essay didn’t include transitions that could naturally link paragraphs. We solved this problem by adding some.
● Even though they do not interfere with the readers’ understanding of the text, there were several minor grammatical errors scattered throughout the corners of this essay, some of the most representative of which was the awkward usage/omission of definite/indefinite articles and mistakes in tense.
● Although it poses no threat to the readers’ understanding of the text, the original essay includes redundant usage of the same vocabulary, the most representative of which is the overuse of the key word ‘amusement park’. To solve these problems we substituted them with pronouns or synonyms.
v) Final Version of HyunJin's Essay
Amusement parks are some of the most attractive places in the world. People of all ages and both sexes can experience the exciting atmosphere there, enjoying thrilling rides, beautiful scenery, delicious foods, or fun games. As numerous people love to go there, it seems highly unlikely that the amusement park will ever disappear; instead, companies are continuously attempting to develop new rides and features for their customers. These efforts will lead to more innovations and developments that can enhance the entertainment experience in theme parks, such as the concentration of amusement functions, improvements to the ticket system, and technological advancements in roller-coasters.
The first innovation that will appear is the achievement of space-efficiency through the development of a compact complex that includes all prior amusement features. Modern amusement parks occupy too much space for widespread and efficient usage. For example, Korea can only possess a limited number of theme parks due to their intimidating size, thus diminishing the utility and fun that can be derived from a single visit. The advent of the ‘amusement building’ can complement the drawbacks of the current system by concentrating functions into a tall building. Las Vegas is already on the stage of constructing such type of facility, with merry-go-rounds, Vikings, and bungee jumping apparatus on top of the building, and other entertaining utilities in lower floors like restaurants or game stations. Another change that will occur is the total alteration of ticket systems in amusement parks. The status quo requires that people show the tickets worn on their wrists for every ride; this policy is inconvenient since employees have to distinguish the many types of tickets, and users are subject to the nuisance of rolling up their shirt sleeves whenever they use the rides. The ticket in the future can complement these shortcomings through the application of an internal micro chip. These state-of-the-art tickets contain functions that can automatically identify the visitor and the type of ticket via recognition of a bar code, reducing inefficiency and making it easier to find a lost child. Lastly, certain adaptations will alter the future of roller-coasters. Inventors will try hard to contrive of roller-coaster designs that can give a more fascinating and exciting experience to riders. One of such designs is the installation of a transparent safety belt. At the present, when people ride roller-coasters, they have to depend on big safety bars strapped on seats, knowing that they are the only things that can keep them from falling; however, imagine that, in the future, they will not be able to see those safety belts. Knowing that the roller-coaster will swoop downwards in a matter of seconds, riders would be able to experience the thrill of free fall; and yet the invisible bars will keep all of them intact and safe. Although only a few would imagine about a future amusement park, there would be endless development on entertainment in the future; for as time goes by, people would increasingly spend their time enjoying their pastime rather than sitting on the desk working. To satisfy those people, suppliers will have to plan for new facilities giving people better, and more realistic, forms of pleasure. An amusement building with shivering roller-coasters and convenient ticket systems will be able to accomplish just those goals, and fill people’s lives with pleasure and leisure.
